Sirius Black: Lady Killer
by CaesarOfTheTARDIS
Summary: Sirius wasn't always a lady killer- his finely homed skills of flirtation were the result of much practice. A series of one-shots detailing Sirius's failures and successes in the early days.
1. Chapter 1

With flowing black hair and a delicate slender build, Sirius though Violetta would be quite the catch. After spending many fourth year potions lessons gazing at the Hufflepuff, he figured he might as well try his luck. He hastily scribbled down a note, proud of himself for thinking of such a great line.

**My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.**

"Psst, Violetta!" she glanced over at him, her eyes big and curious. "For you." he levitated the note across the aisle between their desks. He watched her as she read it, expecting for her to be enraptured with his flirtatiousness, and to fling herself at him the moment class let out. Instead she shot up from her seat, face red and eyes blazing.

"Do you think dying phoenixes are funny?" She screeched, silencing the rest of the class.

"Calm down, Woman!" hissed Sirius; embarrassed under the scrutiny of the whole class. "It was just a figure of speech."

"Figure of speech? FIGURE OF SPEECH!?" Realizing he had said the wrong thing, Sirius backpedaled.

"No, I-"

"I will have you know," interrupted Violetta, poking her wand into Sirius' chest, "that phoenixes are an endangered species because of murderers like you." Her voice was low and menacing. Sirius gulped.

"I've never murdered a phoenix."

"But I bet you would, given the chance!" Violetta became hysterical once again.

"Ms. Harris!" cried Professor Slughorn, waddling across the dungeon and towards them. "What is the meaning of this commotion?" Sirius winced as Violetta's whole demeanor changed, lips quivering and tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Sirius Black," she began, pointing an accusing finger at him, "was making jokes about the killing of innocent creatures." Sirius stood up now, glaring at Violetta.

"I was not! Professor, all I did was write her a note mentioning a dying phoenix as a bloody _figure of speech_!" Violetta's eyes widened in outrage and she suddenly burst into tears, rushing from the classroom and not even bothering to take her books with her.

"Bimey, Padfoot, you sure got her wound up." said Peter, eliciting a few chuckles from the class.

"Mr. Black," said Slughorn disapprovingly. "I don't know what you said to Ms. Harris, but I suggest that you apologize as soon as possible."

"Listen, Sluggy, I-"

"And, you will serve detention tonight for passing notes during class. See me here, seven-thirty."

**A/N: How do you like it so far? I already have the next chapter written, so hopefully I'll get some feedback so that I can post it. ;) Also, please leave reviews with any CLEAN pick-up lines (HP or otherwise)! **


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on, Prongs, just say it! It's easyyyy." urged Sirius, prodding his best friend towards Lily Evans.

"I don't trust your easy, Padfoot. Remember what happened with Violetta Harris? Was that easy?" Sirius blanched at the mention of the incensed Hufflepuff.

"She was a nutter. Doesn't count. Besides," he continued, ignoring Remus' snort of laughter, "this one's fail-safe. Evans will love you for sure." Remus rolled his eyes at this; he didn't blame Lily for thinking James such a prat, what with the harebrained schemes he and Sirius dreamt up.

"Well…." though James, eying Lily as she and her friends drew closer.

"Go on, Prongs!" Sirius shoved the fellow Marauder forward and right into Lily's path. "Make me proud!" James stumbled towards Lily, blocking her path back towards the castle.

"Hey, Evans!" his hand jumped to his hair and he mussed it up nervously. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"What do you want, Potter?" James glanced back towards Sirius, who gave him an encouraging nod and exaggeratedly mouthed the words.

"I, uh," James cleared his throat. "I just want to tell you that being without you is like, er, being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse." Lily's eyes widened and a flush crept up her neck. Remus face palmed, already knowing what was coming.

"The Cruciatus Curse?" Lily exclaimed, much to James' horrification. "I'll tell you what would be like being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse- having to be with _you_ and listening to your stupid attempts to ask me out!" She stormed around him and towards the castle, red hair flying. Alice and Marlene snuck James sympathetic glances before following her. After a moment of silence James faced Sirius, face red and fists clenched.

"Fail-safe?" He demanded, glaring at his friend.

"Listen, Prongs, the girl's obviously a nutter, just like-"

"Just like Violetta Harris and every other girl who's ever been forced to listen to one of your ridiculous pick-up lines, right?"

"No!" cried Sirius, indignant. "I have plenty of birds who would _love _to hear one my flirtatious proclamations, thank you very much!" Remus and Peter chuckled in the background.

"Well, I for one am never listening to your "flirtatious proclaimings-"

"Proclamations," interjected Sirius.

"PROCLAMATIONS again!" With that James stormed off in the same direction as Lily, leaving a group of stunned observers in the dust.

"Well then," sniffed Sirius, "he doesn't know what he's missing out on."

**Reviews? Suggestions for pick-up lines?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP. **

**Thanks so much to doxy-phobic lycanthrope, your review was hilarious and much appreciated. I agree, Sirius can do better. ;) As to everyone else, enjoy!**

Sirius scoped out the Great Hall as he made his way over to the Gryffindor table. Who could he tell his new line to? There was always Jourmana Greengrass, the sixth year blonde he liked to ogle over, but she was a high step up. Seeing as he hadn't had much success with his pick-ups so far, he'd better start with someone less intimidating, more in his league, and just… easier.

As he slid into the bench he was greeted by Marlene McKinnon, who was shoveling a pile of hashed browns into her mouth. He nodded absentmindedly to her, pulling the bowl of hashed browns towards himself. None were left. He sighed dramatically, glaring at the back of her head and wishing that she'd left him some. Every morning this happened. She got to breakfast first, ate all of his favorite foods, and didn't leave him any. _So predictable. _Then an idea sparked. Could _she _possibly be a target for his new line? After all, it was just Marlene. Common sense, every day, good old Marlene. If he couldn't bring himself to tell her, then he couldn't face anyone. Besides, he would only tell her to judge her reaction and get a feel how other birds might take it. Taking one last drudge of pumpkin juice he casually turned to the girl beside him, leaning one elbow on the table.

"Hey, McKinnon?" He drawled lazily, trying to remain casual.

"Yeah?" She asked, stuffing half of a muffin into her mouth. She hardly seemed to be listening to him, and it got on his nerves. If there was one thing Sirius Black couldn't take, it was being ignored.

"Can I tell you something?" He leaned forward and blocked her view of a plate loaded with bacon, which she was eyeing hungrily. She glared at him a second and then reached across the table to snatch some sausage from Frank's plate while he wasn't paying attention, accidentally trailing her sleeve through some gravy.

"Sure. Whatever." He took a deep breath and then let it all out with a whoosh.

"If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together." There, it was done. He waited for a slap across the face or for her to laugh, but she did neither.

"Er, what does that mean?" Marlene asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"The Mirror of Erised? You know?" Again, a negative. _Oops. _ Sirius suddenly remembered that only the Marauders knew about the mirror. _Nice one, Padfoot. _"Well… it basically means that I want you more than anything else in the world." He blushed, realizing too late what he just said. However, Marlene didn't seem to notice.

"More than anything?" She questioned, doubt obvious in her voice. "More than the new Clean Sweep?"

"Sure, I guess so."

"More than you want Celestina Warbeck?"

"I'm not sure if-"

"More than shaving off Dumbledore's beard?" That made him pause and think.

"No, you're right. I _have _been trying to find a way to do that and remain inconspicuous since second year." At those words her eyes narrowed, and he prayed that they weren't the narrowed eyes that meant a flood of unpredictable female emotions were barely held at bay. Would Marlene be put out? Or even worse, would she turn hysterical and burst into tears? What then? You can't blame a bloke for being honest. But instead of unleashing her feminine emotions on the world, she just flashed him a toothy grin.

"So have I." So they were the narrowed eyes of scheming and mischievous plots. He knew all about those types of narrowed eyes. But before he could think any longer on it she stood up in one fluid motion, brushing off her robes. "Anyway, I'll see you later." And with that she scooped up her books and one last muffin before leaving the hall, leaving a gaping Sirius behind her.

She wanted to get rid of the old beard too? Who would've known, Marlene McKinnon, prankster extraordinaire! Then he realized just how well his line had gone over. No one yelled at him, no one broke down weeping, and no one hated him. As he sat there grinning over his long awaited success, a dimming realization came to him. Marlene wasn't even a bird he was trying to impress in the first place! She was just a trial, someone to practice on. That's why he told her in the first place, to see how girls who he actually fancied reacted. He didn't mean any of the stuff he told her- it was part of the plan, right? Well, some of it just sort of popped out. But that was it. Moving on to higher prospects.

**Please: R&R**


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